Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts

Saturday, August 23, 2008

Funny Facts About Americans



Funny Facts About Americans-Humor
Did you know that . . .

Only 30% of us can flare our nostrils.

21% of us don't make our bed daily. 5% of us never do.

Men do 29% of laundry each week. Only 7% of women trust their husbands to do it correctly.

40% of women have hurled footwear at a man.

67.5% of men were tightie whities (briefs).

3 out of 4 of us store our dollar bills in rigid order with singles leading up to

higher denominations.

13% of us admit to occassionally doing our offspring's homework.

91% of us lie regularly.

27% admit to cheating on a test or quiz.

29% admit they've intentionally stolen something from a store.

50% admit they regularly sneak food into movie theaters to avoid the high

prices of snack foods.

90% believe in divine retribution.

10% believe in the 10 Commandments.

82% believe in an afterlife.

45% believe in ghosts.

13% (mostly men) have spent a night in jail.

58.4% have called into work sick when we weren't.

10% of us switch tags in the store to pay less for an item.

Over 50% believe in spanking - but only a child over 2 years old.

35% give to charity at least once a month.

How far would you go for $10 million? 25% would abandon their friends,

family, and church. 7% would murder.

69% eat the cake before the frosting.

When nobody else is around, 47% drink straight from the carton.

85% of us will eat Spam this year.

70% of us drink orange juice daily.

Snickers is the most popular candy.

22% of us skip lunch daily.

9% of us skip breakfast daily.

66% of us eat cereal regularly.

22% of all restaurant meals include french fries.

14% of us eat the watermelon seeds.

Only 13% brush our teeth from side to side.

45% use mouthwash every day.

22% leave the glob of toothpaste in the sink.

The typical shower is 101 degrees F.

Nearly 1/3 of U.S. women color their hair.

9% of women and 8% of men have had cosmetic surgery.

53% of women will not leave the house without makeup on.

58% of women paint their nails regularly.

33% of women lie about their weight.

10% of us claim to have seen a ghost.

57% have had deja vu.

49% believe in ESP.

44% have broken a bone.

Only 30% of us know our cholesterol level.

14% have attended a self-help meeting.

15% regularly go to a shrink.

78% would rather die quickly than live in a retirement home.

30% of us refuse to sit on a public toilet seat.

54.2% of us always wash our hands after using the toilet.

39% of us peek in our host's bathroom cabinet. 17% have been caught by the host.

29% of us ignore RSVP.

71.6% of us eavesdrop.

22% are functionally illiterate.

Less than 10% are trilingual.

37% claim to know how to use all the features on their VCR.

53% prefer ATM machines over tellers.

56% of women do the bills in a marriage.

2 out of 3 of us wouldn't give up their spouse even for a night for a million U.S. dollars.

20% of us have played in a band at one time in our life.

40% of us have had music lessons.

44% reuse tinfoil.

57% save pretty gift paper to reuse.

66% of women and 59% of men have used a mix to cook and taken credit

for doing it from scratch.

53% read their horoscopes regularly.

16% of us have forgotten our own wedding anniversary (mostly men).

59% of us say we're average-looking.

Blacks are more than twice as likely to call themselves beautiful.

90% of us depend on alarm clocks to wake us.

53% of us would take advice from Anne Landers.

51% of adults dress up for a Halloween festivity.

On average, we send 38 Christmas cards every year.

20% of women consider their parents to be their best friends.

2 out of 5 have married their first love.

The biggest cause of matrimonial fighting is money.

Only 4% asked the parents' approval for their bride's hand.

1 in 5 men proposed on his knees.

6% propose over the phone.

71% can drive a stick-shift car.

45% of us consistantly follow the speed limit.

2/3 of us speed up at a yellow light.

1/3 of us don't wear seat belts.

12% of men never use their car blinkers.

44% of men tailgate to speed up the person in front of them.

25% of us drive after we've been drinking.

4 out of 5 sing in the car.




Saturday, August 9, 2008

Breaking News - Actor and comedian Bernie Mac dies at age 50


Breaking News - Actor and comedian Bernie Mac dies at age 50

By F.N. D'ALESSIO, Associated Press Writer
32 minutes ago



CHICAGO - Bernie Mac, the Emmy and Golden Globe nominated actor and comedian who worked his way to Hollywood success from an impoverished upbringing on Chicago's South Side, died Saturday at age 50.

"Actor/comedian Bernie Mac passed away this morning from complications due to pneumonia in a Chicago area hospital," his publicist, Danica Smith, said in a statement from Los Angeles.

She said no other details were available and asked that his family's privacy be respected.

The comedian suffered from sarcoidosis, an inflammatory lung disease that produces tiny lumps of cells in the body's organs, but had said the condition went into remission in 2005. He recently was hospitalized and treated for pneumonia, which his publicist said was not related to the disease.

Recently, Mac's brand of comedy caught him flack when he was heckled during a surprise appearance at a July fundraiser for Democratic presidential candidate and fellow Chicagoan Barack Obama.

Toward the end of a 10-minute standup routine, Mac joked about menopause, sexual infidelity and promiscuity, and used occasional crude language. The performance earned him a rebuke from Obama's campaign.

But despite controversy or difficulties, in his words, Mac was always a performer.

"Wherever I am, I have to play," he said in 2002. "I have to put on a good show."

Mac started his comedy career at age 8, with a standup performance at a church dinner. In 1977, at age 20, he took that act to comedy clubs in Chicago.

His film career started with a small role as a club doorman in the Damon Wayans movie "Mo' Money" in 1992. Mac went on to star in the "Ocean's Eleven" franchise with Brad Pitt and George Clooney and his turn with Ashton Kutcher in 2005's "Guess Who?" — a remake of the Spencer Tracy and Katharine Hepburn 1967 classic "Guess Who's Coming to Dinner?" — topped the box office.

Mac also had starring roles in "Bad Santa," "Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle" and "Transformers."

The comedian drew critical and popular acclaim with his Fox television series "The Bernie Mac Show," which aired more than 100 episodes from 2001 to 2006.

The series about a man's adventures raising his sister's three children, won a Peabody Award in 2002. At the time, judges wrote they chose the sitcom for transcending "race and class while lifting viewers with laughter, compassion — and cool."

The show garnered Golden Globe and Emmy nominations for Mac. He also was nominated for a Grammy award for best comedy album in 2001 along with his "The Original Kings of Comedy" co-stars, Steve Harvey, D.L. Hughley and Cedric The Entertainer.

In 2007, Mac told David Letterman on CBS' "Late Show" that he planned to retire soon.

"I'm going to still do my producing, my films, but I want to enjoy my life a little bit," Mac told Letterman. "I missed a lot of things, you know. I was a street performer for two years. I went into clubs in 1977."

Mac was born Bernard Jeffrey McCullough on Oct. 5, 1957, in Chicago. He grew up on the city's South Side, living with his mother and grandparents. His grandfather was the deacon of a Baptist church.

In his 2004 memoir, "Maybe You Never Cry Again," Mac wrote about having a poor childhood — eating bologna for dinner — and a strict, no-nonsense upbringing.

Mac's mother died of cancer when he was 16. In his book, Mac said she was a support for him and told him he would surprise everyone when he grew up.

"Woman believed in me," he wrote. "She believed in me long before I believed."

Associated Press writer Carla Johnson also contributed to this report.




Monday, July 14, 2008

Yo Mama So Fat Jokes



fun pics free.com-Funny Pics and Crazy Pictures

Yo Mama So Fat Jokes

Yo mama so fat people jog around her for exercise

Yo mama so fat she went to the movies and sat next to everyone

Yo mama so fat she has been declared a natural habitat for Condors

Yo mamma so fat you haveta roll over twice to get off her...

Yo mama so fat she was floating in the ocean and spain claimed her for then new world

Yo mama so fat she lay on the beach and people run around yelling Free Willy

Yo mama so fat when you get on top of her your ears pop!

Yo mama so fat when she has wants someone to shake her hand, she has to give directions!

Yo mama so fat she goes to a resturant, looks at the menu and says "okay!"

Yo mama so fat when she wears a yellow raincoat, people said "Taxi!"

Yo mama so fat she had to go to Sea World to get baptized

Yo mama so fat she got to iron her pants on the driveway

Yo mama so fat she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller

Yo mama so fat she got to pull down her pants to get into her pockets

Yo mama so fat when she tripped over on 4th Ave, she landed on 12th

Yo mama so fat when she bungee jumps, she brings down the bridge too

Yo mama so fat the highway patrol made her wear "Caution! Wide Turn"

Yo mama so fat when she sits around the house, she SITS AROUND THE HOUSE!

Yo mama so fat when she steps on a scale, it read "one at a time, please"

Yo mama so fat when she sits on my face I can't hear the stereo.
More Y0 Mama Jokes - Humor and Funny Pics - Funpicsfree.com

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Funny Song: Lunch Lady Land by Adam Sandler

Funny Song: Lunch Lady Land
Comedian: Adam Sandler
Album: They're All Going to Laugh at You
Funny song lyrics below video...



Lunch Lady Land Lyrics by Adam Sandler
Woke up in the morning.
Put on my new plastic glove.
Served some re-heated salsbury steak
With a little slice of love.
Got no clue what the chicken pot pie
Is made of.
Just know everything's doing fine
Down here in Lunch Lady Land.

Well, I wear this net on my head
'Cause my red hair is fallin' out.
I wear these brown orthopedic shoes
'Cause I got a bad case of the gout.
I know you want seconds on the corn dogs,
But there's no reason to shout.
Everybody gets enough food
Down here in Lunch Lady Land.

Well, yesterday's meatloaf
Is today's sloppy joes
And my breath reaks of tuna
And there's lots of black hairs comin' out of my nose.

In Lunch Lady Land, your dreams come true.
Clouds made of carrots and peas.
Mountains built of shepherd's pie
And rivers made of macaroni and cheese.
But don't forget to return your trays
And try to ignore my gum disease.
No student can escape
The magic of Lunch Lady Land.

Oh..
Hogies and grinders.
Hogies and grinders.
Hogies and grinders.
Navy beans.
Navy beans.
Navy beans.
Hogies and grinders.
Hogies and grinders.
Navy beans.
Navy beans.
Meatloaf sandwich.
Sloppy joe.
Slop, sloppy joe.
Sloppy joe.
Slop, sloppy joe.
Come on.
Sloppy joe.
Slop, sloppy joe.
Yeah.
Sloppy joe.
Slop, *farting noise* joe.

Well, ah, dreamt one mornin'
That I woke up to see
All the pepperoni pizza
Was a-lookin' at me.
It screamed, "Why do you
Burn me and serve me up cold?"
I said, "I got the spatula,
Just do what you're told."

Then the liver and onions
Started joinin' the fight
And the chocolate pudding
Pushed me with all its might
And the chop juey slapped me
And it kicked me in the head.
"It's called revenge, Lunch Lady,"
Said the garlic bread.

I said, "What did I do to
Make you all so mad?"
They said, "You got flabby arms
And your breath is bad."
Then the green bean said,
"You better run and hide."
But then my friend, sloppy joe,
Came and joined my side.

He said, "If it wasn't for the Lunch Lady,
The kids wouldn't eat ya.
You should be shakin' her hand and sayin'
'Please to meet ya.'
She gives you a purpose
And she give you a goal.
You should be kissin' her feet
And kissin' her mole."

Now, all the angry foods
Just leave me alone
And we all live together
In a happy home
Thanks to
Sloppy joe.
Slop, sloppy joe.
Yeah.
Sloppy joe.
Slop, sloppy joe.
Sloppy joe.
Slop, sloppy joe.
Come on.
Sloppy joe.
Slop, sloppy joe.

Well, me and sloppy joe got married.
We got six kids and we're doin' just fine
Down in Lunch Lady Land.

Related searches: adam sandler lyrics, lunchlady land lyrics, lunch lady snl, lunch lady land saturday night live

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

The Woman's Dictionary


A Woman's Dictionary
1. "Fine"

This is the word women use at the end of any argument when they feel they are right but can't stand to hear you argue any longer. It means that you should shut up. (NEVER use "fine" to describe how she looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.)

2. "Five minutes"

This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so women feel that it's an even trade.

3. "Nothing"

"Nothing" means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine."

4. "Go Ahead" (with raised eyebrows) This is NOT permission; it's a dare! If you mistake it for permission, the result will be the woman will get upset over "Nothing" and you'll have a "five-minute" discussion that will end with the word "Fine."

5. "Go Ahead" (normal eyebrows) this is NOT permission, either. It means, "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care." You will get a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

6. "Loud Sigh"

This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement. Very frequently misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are a complete idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing!."

7. "Soft Sigh"

Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. It means she is momentarily content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe in the hope that the moment will last a bit longer.

8. "Oh"

This word - followed by any statement - is trouble. Example; "Oh, let me get that". Or, "Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night." If she says "Oh" before a statement, run, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is "Fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least two days. ("Oh" as the lead to a sentence usually signifies that you are caught in a lie). Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get a raised eyebrow "Go ahead," sometimes followed by acts so unspeakable that I can't bring myself to write about them.

9. "That's Okay"

This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding what the penalty will be for whatever you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead." Once she has had time to plan it out, you are in for some mighty big trouble.

10. "Please Do"

This is not a statement, it is an offer. The woman is giving you the chance to come up with an excuse for what you have done. In other words, a chance to get yourself into even more trouble. If you handle this correctly, you shouldn't get a "That's Okay."

11. "Thanks"

The woman is thanking you. Don't faint and don't look for hidden meaning. Just say "you're welcome."

12. "Thanks A Lot"

"Thanks A Lot" is dramatically different from "Thanks." A woman will say "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It is usually followed by the "Loud Sigh." This signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way. Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing".